Tuesday, August 16, 2005

A match made in heaven....

There are few things in this earth that could possibly be more gratifying than taking an irritable (read: bitchy) caller and connecting them with an equally nice member of a support group...

Caller A called in because she placed a ticket an hour ago and hasn't gotten any response. Unfortunately, her helpdesk representative is someone that I'll just nickname "Quickdraw".

Now Quickdraw is a grizzled cubicle creature, who's expertise is in playing solitaire. Quickdraw's ongoing project is creating a more perfect meld of chair and bloated ass. If I were asked to describe the quality of the work that Quickdraw is actually paid to do, then I would say that she's mastered quantity over quality. Quickdraw processes more phone calls in a day than any other member of the helpdesk. Quickdraw also processes the most useless and unintelligible tickets too.

So here comes Caller A, self important and totally needing something vague done. Quickdraw responded by sending off a vague ticket with a lot of capital letters demanding immediate attention. Through some miracle, Quickdraw manages to pass the ticket to the appropriate people, Group B. Group B gets the ticket, and immediately they ignore it, probably because they didn't like the way it looked.

This is where I come in. Caller A calls in bitching that their ticket isn't fixed even though they said it important. I try to hook Caller A up with the "on-call" member of Group B. This doesn't work, because the "on-call" member of the group knows much better than to answer the phone. Further bitching by Caller A gets me to try calling another person in Group B. This person accidentally answers the phone, and then starts bitching about the format of the ticket itself. In my best BOFH, I told her not to shoot the messenger, and then threw Caller A on the phone via a conference call. At this point, I muted my end and listened to cat and dog fight begin. Neither were at fault, both had much more important things to do, and each thought the other was a lazy idiot. It was sooooo gratifying.

Anyway today's moral is twofold: 1) Call into the helpdesk thinking you that you're more important than everybody else, and you'll quickly wind up at the bottom of the stack, because everybody thinks they've got it the worst. 2) For every bitch, there is an equal and opposite bitch.


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