Obviously not watching what he's doing...

ME: How can I help you?
CALLER: I need access to the work order system. I need to have the software installed on my computer.
ME: Okay, in order to use the WO system, you need to have completed training for it. Have you taken the training?
CALLER: No. You only need that if you're going to look at the work orders. I'm just going to be making them.
ME: But you need the training to get an account
CALLER: But I'm not looking at them?
ME: No, but you need an account to make them. And you need training to get the account.
CALLER: Oh, but I'm not looking at them.
ME: *surrenders*

Scary, yet funny

ME: What's your username?
CALLER: MJJEQ
ME: Was that M-J-G-Bravo-Queen?
CALLER: No, that's Michael-Jackson-Jackson-Easy-Quick

Oops, I have a blog!

Sorry about the lack of updates. I have no one to blame but myself... or the callers, who have been stupid, but not in a funny way. For the moment, you should regale yourself with this story...

Can I have one too?

CALLER: I put in a request a while ago to have Pie installed on my computer. That's P-I-E

You must have wonderful people skills...

ME: Okay, and what's your computer name?
CALLER: CIMPRKT
ME: Was that last letter T, as in Tom?
CALLER: No. C... as in cat. I, as in... uh... hmmm.... *pauses*
ME: How about just that last letter?
CALLER: T
ME: As in Tom?
CALLER: Yes.
ME: *slaps forehead* Okay, and what building are you in?
CALLER: Uh... um... 28?
ME: Could you check with a co-worker.
CALLER: Okay... *long pause* 32!
ME: *sighs*

And you expect me to want to help?

CALLER: My computah won't turn on today. We've taken a look and the power button's broken.
ME: Okay, so have you...
CALLER: We already did that
ME: I didn't even say anything yet.

Yay! Another submission!

Caller: I took down our server!
Me: Wait, what happened?
Caller: I didn't want the cleaning people to mess anything up so I went in to clean it myself and I accidentally unplugged it. There are no lights on it anymore.
Me: Can you plug it back in?
Caller: Sure... *muffled noises*
Me: Ok? How does it look?
Caller: Lights are back on!
Me: Ok, good. What server is it?
Caller: (servername)
Me: One second. *checks server* ...and it is now accessable. Please leave the dust bunnies alone next time.

-- this electric experience courtesy of T

Quite possibly, one of my favorite calls ever

CALLER: It's not letting me set up my account. It says my fields are different, but I typed in my PIN the same way twice.
ME: Let me take a look... Okay, your favorite food blanks are filled out differently. One's longer than the other. When it says "Verify Favorite Food", you need to type in the same thing again, exactly the same.
CALLER: Ohhhhh! I thought it said "Very Favorite Food"

If they feel stupid, then I have won...

*phone rings*
ME: *speaking mechanically* Hi, you've reached the helpdesk, may I have your user ID please?
CALLER: My what? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
ME: *slowly* Hi, we're the computer helpdesk. Could I have your user name for logging on to the computer?
CALLER: Oh, I don't have a computer. I'm not calling about a computer. I'm calling about coupons. I must have the wrong number
ME: Okay, if you are calling about one of our company's products, I can give you the phone number for our company's product.
CALLER: No, I'm not calling about one of your products. I'm calling about coupons. I must have hit the wrong number
ME: Okay, if you're calling about coupons for one of our company's products, I can give you the phone number for our company's products.
CALLER: I'm not calling about a product! I'm callin about coupons! I'll just call back.
ME: Are you calling about coupons for one of our products?
CALLER: Yes.
ME: Okay, if you have questions about coupons which are for one of our products, then they would answer that at the product support line. I can give you that phone number.
CALLER: Oh... uh, sure...

And the complaint of the day is...

"My computer is uh... acting kinky today"

Invoking images of blue velvet and van art

ME: Could I have your username please?
CALLER: F-U-N-Z-U
ME: I'm sorry, was that Foxtrot Uniform Mary Victor Uniform?
CALLER: No. Nancy Zenith Unicorn

Is there an echo in here?

ME: Okay, and what's your router plugged into?
CALLER: Uh, my home computer
ME: Ah, is that the only thing it's plugged into?
CALLER: Um, it's plugged into the.. uh...
ME: Modem?
CALLER: ... uh... the...
ME: Modem?
CALLER: ...Modem? Modem.

I think I bled from my nose a little...

ME: ...great, and what phone number are you calling from today?
CALLER: Oh, I'm calling from my cell phone ###-###-####
ME: No problem. And how can I help you today?
CALLER: I'm having FTP issues
ME: *winces* Okay, and what FTP software are you using?
CALLER: Software?
ME: There are multiple different pieces of FTP software in use across the different divisions of the company.
CALLER: Oh... Uh, I don't know
ME: That's alright. Do you have it open in front of you right now?
CALLER: Oh sorry, no.
ME: That's okay. Could you open it for me?
CALLER: I'm sorry, I can't really do that right now.
ME: Huh?
CALLER: I'm not at my computer right now.
ME: Can you get to it for me?
CALLER: I'm sorry, I'm not in the office right now.
ME: And your computer is...?
CALLER: It's at the office.

Hits you like an ice cream headache

ME: Okay, to test this, let's try going to Google.com
CALLER: That's gooooogle-daht-com?
ME: Right.
CALLER: Mmmkay. It's not working. I got an error saying that I'm denied access because it's... spyware and pornographic content.
ME: Huh?
CALLER: Yes?
ME: I'm sorry, it said spyware and pornographic content?
CALLER: Correct.
ME: *Checks Google* Okay, it seems to be working for me... How did you type that?
CALLER: G-O-G-G-L-E dot com
ME: *internally groans* Okay, that's Google: G-O-O-G-L-E
CALLER: G-O-G-G-L-E?
ME: No, it's Gooooooooogle, not Goggle.
CALLER: How do you spell that?
ME: *twitches* Okay, CNN.com Just try CNN-dot-com
CALLER: Oh! That works.

How is a keychain different than a Sunglasses Hut?

ME: So you're having problems logging in?
CALLER: Yeah. I start VPN and then it gets to the point where it asks for my passwor... er, passcode and then I reach for my uh, key.. uh, kiosk, and put the code in.
ME: *chokes on drink*