The paperless office is incompatible with the retarded office

ME: How can I help you?
CALLER: I'm having problems with my personal performance review and plan (PPRP). I sent my first draft to my boss, and she never sent it back to me. Now the computer's telling me that I need to submit my final copy.
ME: Okay, so you filled out the PPRP online and sent it to your boss, and she never sent it back to you with her comments on it?
CALLER: Yeah... well, no. She printed it out and wrote her comments on it that way.
ME: *impressed by the industriousness of the stupid* Okay... well, then she's going to have to type them in.
CALLER: But I already typed up another copy of my PPRP!
ME: Huh?
CALLER: It was such a pain. I went into MS Word and I typed it all up... and I formatted it so it looked exactly the same... And I did all of the sections over the way that she asked me to.
ME: *even more impressed* Oookay...
CALLER: Yeah, so I printed that out and gave it to her, and now the computer wants me to do another one. My boss wants me to send her a new online thingy again so she can approve it for me.
ME: Uh.. *pause* well, she really should just be able to do that with the first link that was sent to her. Does she still have it?
CALLER: Oh no, she can't do that. She already used that one to write all the bad stuff that I'm not allowed to see.
ME: *surrender*

** What I wish I could say **
So let me get this straight: You needed to put some gas in your car. To do this, your boss built a crude ship from popsicle sticks and post-it notes. Then you strung up sails made of motivational posters and report cover sheets. You then sailed to the Middle East and indentured yourself in exchange for oil, which you then refined into gas using Brita water filters and Diet Caffeine Free Mountain Dew. Now you're asking us to help you get the gas home?

Hokey pokey

CALLER: Hi, I was trying to use the online service to request a phone move. The webpage gave an error saying that it had failed, so I tried again. After I'd tried three times, I doublechecked and found out that it had created the requests anyway. Could you kill those extra requests for me?
ME: Sure, will do.
ME: *Locates all three work tickets. My manager has already rubberstamped all three over to the local phone group*
ME: *Shrugs, pulls two work tickets away from phone group to close*
ME: *Waits for it to refresh, then tries to close ticket*
ME: *Receives failure because manager has sent tickets back to phone group*
ME: *Shakes head in disgust. Adds note to each ticket explaining that extra tickets were created and that I'm reassigning to close*
ME: *Waits for it to refresh, then tries to close ticket*
ME: *Receives failure. Discovers that manager has reassigned ticket again*
ME: (via instant messaging) Hey, I'm trying to kill that phone ticket
MANAGER: (via instant messaging) Oh, I didn't know that one was the extra one. Sorry
ME: *Shakes head in disgust, discovers that manager had only sent over one of the two this time*
ME: *Gives up, closes tickets with phone group as if tickets were successful*

Say what?!?!?

ME: Okay, and let's just try opening up Internet Explorer and see if it can get to any webpages, like CNN.com
FEMALE CALLER: Okay, it's trying to load up my homepage right now
ME: That's okay. Since you haven't connected on VPN yet, that shouldn't be available. Let's try CNN.com
FEMALE CALLER: Okay *typing* It's thinking
ME: Great.
FEMALE CALLER: Daddy could you call Mommy?
ME: *dumbfounded* Huh...?
FEMALE CALLER: Sorry. It's loaded. I see CNN.com
ME: Uh... um.. yeah, that's great.

Wow! And this big yellow book has *my* phone number right next to *my* name too!

ME: Hi, could I have your username?
CALLER: *reads off their username*
ME: *types* Okay... is this Bob Smith?
CALLER: *stunned and suspicious* Yeah!? How'd you know that?!

That's not even English!

ME: Okay, now that we're looking at your network connections window, and do you see your wireless connection?
CALLER: Yes.
ME: Good. And what does it show as the status for that?
CALLER: Unabled.
ME: Beg your pardon?
CALLER: Unabled.

Too much free time?

CALLER: Hi, I need to talk to Rich
ME: Okay, are you following up on a previous call?
CALLER: Yes
ME: Let me see if I can get his attention *click!* *type!*
A MINUTE PASSES...
ME: Okay, Rich doesn't seem to be responding to instant messaging. Could you give me a second to just hop over to his desk and grab him?
CALLER: Not a problem!
ME: Be right back... *puts phone on hold*
A MINUTE PASSES...
ME: Sorry about that, I looked all over for him, but Rich doesn't seem to be available at the moment. If you just give me a second, I can help you out myself *click!*
CALLER: Sure!
A MINUTE PASSES...
ME: Ooookay, I'm looking here, and I don't see an open ticket for you. Would you mind telling me what you're calling in about?
CALLER: Oh, well I was talking with Rich the other day, and I told him how when I open Lotus Notes sometimes, I get an error. He asked me what the error was, and I didn't remember it, so he told me that next time I got the error, that I should call in.
ME: Okay, and what does that error say?
CALLER: Oh, I don't know. I rebooted today, and I didn't get the error. I just called to tell Rich I hadn't forgotten, but I didn't get the error today.

We'll just hang a sign saying "I'm with stupid..."

ME: Okay, now I don't quite recall, are there multiple buildings at your site?
CALLER: Yeah, there's more than one.
ME: No problem. Which building is this printer in?
CALLER: It's in the same building I'm in.
ME: And that is...?
CALLER: I dunno, I'm already here, so I never have to look.

Close enough....

ME: Okay, I've reset your password to the default for that system. It's the number five followed by your mother's maiden name.
MALE CALLER: My maiden name?
ME: Uh... yeah.

"My shoelace came untied, mind if I borrow your car keys?"

Caller: Hi, can I have expensive complicated application installed directly on my computer?
Me: You do know that normally we access expensive complicated application via the cheap simple webpage?
Caller: Yeah, but the cheap simple webpage isn't working for me today. None of the guys have been able to get in.
Me: Has anyone called to report that cheap simple webpage isn't working?
Caller: No, I don't think so.
Me: *slaps forehead* Really? *clicks!* Okay, cheap simple webpage is opening up okay on my end. How are you opening it?
Caller: I was clicking on a link in an email.
Me: Okay, just open up Internet Explorer. Now type in simple URL to open up cheap simple webpage
Caller: It works!
Dr Nick: Hooray!

"I couldn't find any papyrus, so I chiseled my email onto this pyramid"*

Caller: I'm emailing an invitation to an meeting, and when I print it out the list of invitees is completely missing.
Me: Okay, let me get remoted to your computer to take a look. *click!*
Caller: Sure! *click!*
Me: *click* Okay, we're connected. Great, now could you show me the email?
Caller: No problem *click!*
Me: Okay, so I see the list of names on the email. Looks like it's set up and ready to send... *click!* Huh, that's weird. If you take a look at the print preview I pulled up, the names field is completely missing. It doesn't even have a blank for them. Is that what you're getting when you print it out?
Caller: That's right.
Me: Okay, let me take a look... *click!* *click!* *click!* Hmm, your options seem to all be configured correctly. There must be a problem with the program itself. I'll have to send a request to have someone do some work on your computer.
Caller: Well, they'd better do it fast!
Me: (surprised) Well, the email is still going to send properly, even if the printout isn't coming out right.
Caller: I need to print this out and show it to my boss in fifteen minutes! If he sees this thing, he's gonna ask me "Who's invited" and what am I supposed to tell him?!?
Me: (dumbfounded)

* or however that Dilbert strip about printing emails went...

Where angels fear to tread....

While remote controlling a user's computer...

Me: Your computer is running rather slow.
Caller: Yeah, it does that a lot
Me: (Checks Task Manager) Something's using 98% of your system's processing time. (Googles the process) This is Norton Anti-Virus!?!
Caller: Yeah?
Me: How did this get on here?
Caller: I installed it.
Me: (Slaps forehead) You do you know that we had already installed Trend-Micro A/V on here? (Checks taskbar)... and that it's running at the same time?
Caller: Oh really? What's that?
Me: It's another anti-virus program, that we installed to protect your computer from viruses.
Caller: Oh, then I guess I didn't need that.
Me: (grits teeth) We'll just uninstall it. (tries to uninstall) You don't have rights to uninstall this. How did you install this in the first place?
Caller: Oh, well I installed like a year ago.

Truly, there is no greater punishment for a fool, than to let them remain fools.