I bet you thought that little light on your phone just meant you were loved...

CALLER: Yeah, I'm following up on my issue. You should see one open.
ME: *sees no open issues* Ah, one second. *opens latest issue* Okay, is that the issue about your S drive?
CALLER: That's right.
ME: Okay, that ticket's actually closed. What I'm seeing here is that they noted leaving you voicemail on the seventh, then the fourteenth, and then the twentieth. Then they said that they were closing it for lack of contact. Did you get any of those voicemail?
CALLER: Uh... yes.
ME: Did they leave you any troubleshooting information in the voicemail? Did you get any particular errors when you tried following it?
CALLER: Uh, I don't recall.
ME: Okay, did they possibly leave you a direct contact number?
CALLER: No. No. It didn't work.
ME: Oookay *smells pants on fire*

It's not what you say, it's how you say it

ME: Could I get your computer name?
CALLER: Hold on, my computer's all craaaaazy right now....
ME: Oookay... *moments pass*
CALLER: Mkay, it's up and runnin' now. So you gonna climb on to my computer now?
ME: *snorts pop through nose*

Our first submitter!

Here's our first outside submission! It's from a friend that works IT at a law firm:

Oh you never fail to make me laugh! You have the most biting wit demonstrating the real slice of IT user culture out there! I just love it! My favorite was the boat fashioned from used popsicle sticks, post-it notes and motivational posters! How true!

We have a luser here - near partner level. Great guy - BUT - here's a great example of the "popsicle ships" he creates every day.
This law firm has dictation software which basically allows an attorney to call a "vmail type" number and dictate information. Then a secretary will listen to and type-out this dication and present it in requested fashion to the originating attorney.

Well, the luser here, being longwinded as he is, discovered that most vmail boxes do not provide adequate time for him to leave his, er, messages. (you know where I am going with this yet?) SO... he decided to use this dication software to record tediously long messages. He then has our Business Center go through the trouble of burning this rambling to CD, and then (oh yes) interoffice mailing said CD to unfortunate recipient to listen to…..

Oh this is wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to mock…..

Another victim of PC peer pressure...

CALLER: Okay, so I was visiting Germany and I was in my hotel room with my computer. I was having some problems downloading my email, when all of a sudden my computer started smoking. It smelled terrible! I can still smell it now.

*** WHAT I WANTED TO SAY ***

ME: Are you sure it was the computer? Did you check your whore?

That can't be right!?

I just took a call from a user requesting the install of a piece of software titled 'Articulate.' I found myself titling the ticket "Articulate installation request", and immediately I was certain that couldn't be right :-p

I stand corrected, your whole department is the problem

If you haven't already, skip this post for the moment and read the preceding one first

CO-WORKER: Hey dude, I've got your last caller, calling back. You available?
ME: Oh Lord... *shakes head* Patch 'em through...
CALLER: Hello?
ME: Hi! Is this Rhonda again?
CALLER: Well, actually I'm not Rhonda. I'm Rhonda's temp, Cheryl.
ME: Oh, because earlier, you gave Rhonda's username.
CALLER: Oh, that's because I don't have a username.
ME: *winces, lets it slide* Okay, so how can I help you?
CALLER: Well, it's about that name. It turns out that it wasn't the email that was a problem. It's on a... performance review?
ME: Okay?
CALLER: Yeah, the email is all straightened out, but they need to change it on the performance review sheet thing.
ME: ..okay, well how about I remote control back into your computer and you can show it to me?
*Requests remote control session. User accepts it*
ME: Great, now if you could show me the problem?
CALLER: Oh uh...
*long pause, there are voices in the background*
*thumping noises, the phone's been handed to someone else*
CALLER #2: Hallllo?
ME: Hi?
CALLER #2: Okay, the problem is on Tawny Convoy's performance review history. You need to send a ticket out to have that changed.
ME: Uh, right. Would you be able to pull that up for me though? All I'm seeing is some email with the different Bob Kowak and Bob Koack on it.
CALLER #2: *slowly* The change needs to be made on her Performance... Review... History... Okay? The name needs changed from Kowak with a 'W' to a Koack with an 'A'
ME: Right, but I need to see you pull this up so I can get some more information before I can change this for you.
CALLER #2: You can't change it. The performance review process is very confidential so they're not letting the call center fix things. You need to send a ticket out.
ME: I know this, but before I can send that ticket out, I need to get more information. All I'm seeing right now on the remote control is email, so if you could pull up the screen where the problem is?
CALLER #2: I said, the problem's not in the email. It's in the performance review history. You can't fix it and you need to send a ticket out!
ME: Okay, I know that the problem isn't in the email. And although it might seem like there's only one performance review thing out there, there's a whole bunch and there's a whole bunch of different people I could send a ticket to. Now if you'll just pull it up on your computer for one moment I can get information that you don't know about. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Please just follow my instructions!
CALLER #2: ..okay... *click click* see, here's the problem
ME: *reads the document* wait, I thought you said that the correct manager was Koack?
CALLER #2: Yes
ME: The manager line here already says Koack
CALLER #2: I know, but it needs changed in the history, right here.
ME: *slaps forehead* Okay *highlights text* I'm going to read this off to you. On the 11th, the manager was changed to Kowak. Then a week later on the 18th, the manager was changed to Koack. It's been fixed. This is the history. It tracks all of the changes so if there's a problem, we can look at what's already happened. We can't change this.
CALLER #2: Alright.... but this is my manager's performance review, and she's really embarrassed that she chose the wrong manager, and wants to have this changed so that it doesn't show up anymore.
ME: *slaps forehead again* *sigh* ...okay, I'll see what I can do *files request to trash bin*

Actually, the real problem is you

ME: Hi, how can I help you?
CALLER: Yeah, I'm calling because there's a mispelling in the address book.
ME: Okay, and what name is it?
CALLER: Do you want the wrong spelling or the right spelling?
ME: Give me the wrong spelling, so I can find it
CALLER: Okay, his first name is Bob, and the incorrect spelling of his last name is Kowak.
ME: *typing* Okay, I see the entry. And what's the proper spelling?
CALLER: Koack
ME: Noack? *typing* Oookay, well you see, your problem here is not that Achim's last name is mispelled. We have two people: Bob Koack and Bob Kowak. They've got two separate entries in the address book which are spelled correctly for each of them.

You don't need my permission, but I wanted to tell you to do that anyway

ME: How can I help you?
CALLER: I'd like to lodge an error
ME: *coughs* Ah... uh, what can I _log_ for you?

I suppose it was bound to happen...

ME: Hi, you've reached the helpdesk, could I have your name please?
CALLER: *mumbles*
ME: Sorry, what was that?
CALLER: Dick
ME: Beg your pardon?
CALLER: DICK
ME: Say what?
CALLER: My name is Dick, as in Richard

Missed connections....

CALLER: Hi, my Palm Pilot hasn't been sync'ing since I changed my email password. I already spoke with the local guys, so could you route to that our *garble*IP support?
ME: I'm sorry, did you say to route that to your local 'david-indigo-papa' support?
CALLER: No, I spoke with Bob. Bob Smith. He said that he'd be handling my issue.
ME: Okay, no problem.... but did you say your local 'victor-indigo-papa' support?
CALLER: *growing irritated* I specifically spoke with Bob. He said that he'd deal with the issue.
ME: *stupefied* Uh... ah... *finds voice* You meant 'very-important-person' support though, right? Letters veeee-aiieeee-peeeeee? Victor-indigo-papa?
CALLER: Oh. Oh. *pause* Yeah, that.
ME: *slaps forehead*

You fail reading comprehension....

ME: Okay, so Internet Options is open?
CALLER: Yes
ME: Okay, go to the Connections tab.
CALLER: Uh... excuse me, but I don't have a Connections tab.
ME: *mildly surprised* You don't?
CALLER: Yeah, all I have is General, Security, Privacy, Content, Connections.... *short pause* Ok, I'm on the Connections tab

Helpdesk Culture

Not so much a call transcript, but an amusing microcosm of corporate culture: In the new bathroom, they've installed automatic sinks, the type with the sensors that activate the flow just by a wave of your hand. Next to the sink, they've installed another paper towel dispenser. Much to my great amusement, I discovered that every few pulls of paper towel will automagically activate the sink. I'm sure I got a few odd looks as I stood in the bathroom, laughing at my fresh & wet paper towel.

Oh, *that's* what that light means!

CALLER: Yeah, I called in on Friday about a problem, and now it's Tuesday and no one's been by to help me out. I haven't received any contact about this at all and I'm very unhappy. I'm not able to do any of my work.
ME: Oookay, just give me one second, I'm going to take a look at any open issues that you might have... *reading* Soooo have you received any voicemail?
CALLER: Uh... no... I was going to check that right after this call.
ME: According to their notes, they left voicemail for you yesterday and today.
CALLER: Oh... okay. Bye.

Argh... argh... argh...

ME: Okay, so how are you hooked up to the internet?
CALLER: I'm plugged into a router, aaand that's plugged into another router
*** 20 minutes of troubleshooting ensues... ***
ME: *Tired & frustrated* Okay, let's go over this again. Your computer's plugged into a little box, right?
CALLER: Right?
ME: Okay, and that's plugged into... *sigh* the wall?
CALLER: Right.
ME: So the wire comes out of the wall and plugs into the box, which is plugged into the computer?
CALLER: Right.
ME: And the cable coming out of the wall, is that a coax cable?
CALLER: No, it's a phone line.
ME: So your computer is plugged directly into a DSL modem. (NOT INTO A ROUTER INTO A ROUTER!!!!)

Fair enough...

ME: Okay, I see here that the problem is that you don't have an account on the website. I tried resetting your password for it, but it said that you don't have an account yet.
CALLER: (slight French accent) Ah, okay, so what do I do now?
ME: One second, let me check my references.... Okay, you'll need to contact someone at your site. His name is Cornelius Ms...
CALLER: *Interupting* Oh, Cornelius?! Heh, no problem!
ME: Oh, okay. Well, I can give you his phone number if you would like.
CALLER: Nah, I know him. If he doesn't fix it for me, I will just kick him at soccer.
ME: Oh... fair enough then.